There was a pineapple-sized pit in my stomach as I opened the doors to my new home in La Jolla, California, just one week ago today.
Being a small town girl from Canada, this has been a huge vision board dream of mine since I drove through this beach community of San Diego for the first time several years ago.
As I slowly opened the door - terrified over having paid a good chunk of money to live in a space I’d never seen in person before - two of the strangest things happened.
The first was that this place looked even better in person than it did in the photos. I was expecting the opposite. The ceilings were even higher than I’d imagined, there was more natural light than I’d hoped for, and the detailing all throughout the space and surrounding location exceeded my wildest dreams.
Then the second, and maybe even more strange, thing happened…
I started to feel this weird sad energy take over me.
The first few days I didn’t have much time to pay attention to it. There was so much running around to do, errands to run, furniture to buy, move, and set up…
But over this past weekend I took some time to slow down, connect with myself, and discover what was really doing on.
This may sound incredibly ridiculous, but I’m just going to share my complete honest truth with you - because I’ve never heard of anyone else talk about feeling this way before, and I don’t want you to feel as alone as I did, beauty, if you’ve ever (or will ever) experience something like this too…
Lately things have been going good. So good.
This week I parked my Range Rover beside my neighbour’s Maserati, in our gated community in La Jolla, and wrote a testimonial for my coach that my income has surpassed the $200k mark in the first 11 months of my business.
And it’s not just the physical things. I’ve been feeling so on purpose with my life, my group program has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done, and I am receiving a ton of love from clients and even strangers online.
To me, these soul fulfilling feelings are worth so much more to me than anything money could ever buy.
You’d think I’d be popping a bottle of champagne right now, toasting to the best year of my life so far - but instead I spent the weekend trying to figure out why I’m not.
And this morning, it hit me.
Who am I to deserve a life like this? What did I do to deserve it? Am I a fraud? A fake? A phoney?
I don’t have any degrees, I have no idea what it’s like to be around rich people. Do I even fit in here?
Do I even belong…
Bringing my awareness to these buried thoughts, I realized I’ve been totally upper-limiting myself again ( a term from Gay Hendricks’ book “the Big Leap” - a must read.)
“ Most of us believe that we will finally feel satisfied and content with our lives when we get the good news we have been waiting for, find a healthy relationship, or achieve one of our personal goals. However, this rarely happens. Good fortune is often followed by negative emotions that overtake us and result in destructive behaviors. "I don't deserve this," "this is too good to be true," or any number of harmful thought patterns prevent us from experiencing the joy and satisfaction we have earned. Sound familiar? This is what New York Times bestselling author Gay Hendricks calls the Upper Limit Problem, a negative emotional reaction that occurs when anything positive enters our lives. The Upper Limit Problem not only prevents happiness, but it actually stops us from achieving our goals. It is the ultimate life roadblock.”
I am in no way affiliated with this author or book, but I thank my lucky stars every day for it’s existence.
Now that I have the power of awareness behind what’s going on, I am liberated to change it.
To stop the self-sabotaging, upper-limiting (false!) beliefs - and instead begin to allow more and more joy into my life as God/the Universe deems fit for me.
Instead of asking “Who am I to deserve this?” - I will ask “Who am I to reject or resist the good gifts given to me?”
Beautiful, if there is a dream in your heart that you keep self-sabotaging yourself away from, or if after achieving something amazing you find yourself focusing on what’s not going right for you - please do yourself and the world around you a favour - and go pick up (or listen to) the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks.
It’s time you allow yourself to have the life you’ve always wanted - in fact - you deserve a life better than your dreams.
Allow. Allow. Allow.
The world is waiting for you to shine even brighter, my beautiful soul sister - you got this.
And yes, you deserve it.
Follow Your Heart Always,