I had been in this weird (not awesome) limbo of energy all week.
I just couldn’t shake it.
Feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, brilliant or talented enough before launching my brand new online program.
Just yesterday I went on a walk with Graham and Asia (our long haired Chihuahua fur baby), and I wanted to SCREAM. At the top of my lungs!! I could feel tension in my chest, energy and emotion building up - and even though I wanted to burst into tears, I didn’t even utter a peep about it. I just tortured myself inside…
“Who am I to lead a group program?
Maybe I shouldn’t.
Maybe I should just keep to my 1x1 clients- this is my zone where I feel powerful and effective and of greatest service to others…why change anything?”
I have a pretty good practice at shaking energy off like this by now.
I know that it’s ego/inner critic talking. At least I am getting faster at recognizing it anyway.
I knew what I needed to do.
I journaled my heart out. I did my morning energy cleansing. I did my daily mindset work.
I visualized. I asked for guidance…
And still - I couldn’t shake this energy off.
And the dark clouds of fear began to consume my blue sky.
“Why am I feeling like this? Is it the wrong time? Wrong program? Am I wrong?”
Now I was just driving myself crazy.
I hadn’t felt this way in a long, long time.
As divine timing would have it, this morning was also my scheduled call with my coach.
We hopped on the phone. And where we usually talk a lot about business and growth and dreams and goals and action steps…today I needed to release this energy once and for all.
So I told her how I felt.
I held back tears though I’m sure my crackling voice gave me away.
She asked questions in different directions to uncover what it was that was inside me. I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know either - and that was the scariest part.
We talked about delaying the program, we talked about cancelling it, we envisioned what it would be like if I stuck to my 1x1 program only, for now. We explored all different avenues…None of which felt right.
And then she asked the 1 question that had me erupt like Mt. St Helens.
“ Are you just tired, Jen? “
Oh my gosh, I bawled and bawled.
I whimpered back after a long pause - “I’m…..exhausted….”
That was it.
The 16 hour time difference jet lag from Bali, the 2am even 4am nights I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up working, and the bright early mornings to prepare for the launch and work with my incredible clients…packing up again now for Paris, making time for family and friends I haven’t seen while living in San Diego…Seeing my husband for the first time since late February - and having not a single moment to myself, not even time for sleep it seemed - all in a matter of days.
I realized I am giving birth to a rapidly growing business and new way of life that I never dreamed possible for myself until these last 6 months - but even giving birth to something you love - sometimes hurts.
Especially when you start forgetting about your own well-being.
I cried because I was exhausted.
I cried because I finally got the answer that I was aching for all week.
I cried because I was so relieved that that was all it was…
We carried on with the call, and I started to get my zest back. We made plans on how to make the marketing and program even BETTER.
How I could save myself tremendous time, and get more rest.
We talked about the future, and all the lives I was going to be able to reach now that I wasn’t limited to my perpetually sold out 1x1 coaching program. Instead of reaching 17 women at a time, I can reach as many as feel called to work with me now.
I GOT EXCITED. IGNITED. REINVIGORATED!
I remembered the big picture.
I remembered it wasn’t about me.
I remembered why I was doing this in the first place.
Because my purpose in this life, is to reach as many women as I possibly can, and ignite them on the path of their purpose and passions. To facilitate them in creating a life and business of their dreams.
I remember now.
And I am feeling more alive than ever - and bursting to get started!!!!!!!!
I am ready to IGNITE the spark in whoever feels called to work with me, so that they may SET FIRE TO THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After our call I jumped in the shower, blasted my most favourite upbeat song, started singing and dancing away - and then tears began to roll down my cheeks again.
This time they were tears of gratefulness. Like I had just broken through a barrier of self-destructive illusions. I finally saw them for what they were, and I finally saw beyond them into the limitless possibility of what lies ahead.
And it made my heart overflow with joy and gratitude.
All this to say, *|TITLE:FNAME|*, if you feel like you have a 1000 lbs of stress on your chest…
If you feel like you want to burst into tears and scream at the top of your lungs…but you can’t even make a sound…
If you are on the verge of something new and big in your life, and the voices of doubt are doing their best to mislead you…
My beautiful soul sister *|TITLE:FNAME|*, remember you can call on people you trust for support. Your coach, your hubby, your best friend, your fur baby!! You weren’t meant to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You were meant to do what feels right, fires you up, and ignites your soul.
Sometimes I need this reminder too.
Remember that the voices of fear and self doubt get louder as you take strides towards your heart, your purpose, your dreams. Ego is simply fearing for it’s life.
And most important for both of us ~ remember to take care of yourself along the way.
You’ve got this *|TITLE:FNAME|*.
Follow Your Heart Always,
PS - I realize, though it wasn’t the intention behind sharing this with you that you may be wondering what program I am talking about. Though I won’t ever try to convince you to work with me (because you don’t desire to be sold to, and I don’t desire to work with clients I have to convince) - I do provide incentives to act quickly on behalf of your heart. I do this because I want to provide you with armor against your ego, equip you to get beyond the same merry-go-round of fears and doubts it’s been keeping you stuck on for too long now. If you feel a connection with my energy, if you feel ready to create the life and business of your dreams once and for all - click here to see what it’s all about. And if your heart says yes beauty, I send you the strength to listen…
To your dreams, *|TITLE:FNAME|*! <3